Who's business is it?

I'm motivated to write this entry as a result of reading a thread in one of my Yahoo! groups. I'd like to share a key concept that keeps me sane and helps me navigate the world of Autism with my non-verbal son. If I stay in my business, tend to my happiness and listen to my internal guidance system (because it is my personal belief that I know my child better than anyone else) then I'm in good shape and my family and child benefit. It's when I start getting into other people's business, judge what they're doing, or allow other people's opinions and judgments to influence my decisions when I personally get into trouble, experience frustration and stress. Often, as a result, I make poor decisions for my child's protocol.

From my perspective, I prefer to make decisions based on the thoughts I personal believe. If I make decisions based on what I think I "should" do because someone else said I "should", no matter what their qualifications, and I did NOT believe it, I go crazy. It's when I research, contemplate, evaluate objectively and then trust that the decision I've made for a treatment option for my son comes from within me and no where else that I find relief for myself and my child. Then I notice, observe, and make adjustments based on the feedback I receive from my non-verbal child. I believe my child is communicating with me all the time with every sound, every behavior and every circumstance. I remind myself daily to tend to my business, stay out of other people's business and listen beyond the words. Is this easy? No! However, for me it is infinitely less stressful, more productive, and non-resistive than doing the opposite. When I'm getting into other people's business I ask myself, who's tending to mine?

I appreciate others personal expression of their thoughts and perspective and I invite you to express yours.

My #1 prescription out of hell: Compassion

As a mother of a child with Autism I am all too familiar with the feelings of self-loathing, self-judgment, disappointment, and inadequacy. All feelings that accompanied my journey into the depths of hell. I could certainly write entry after entry about my sad, sorry story. I’ve been there. It wasn’t pretty and it most definitely wasn’t fun. I more accurately remember it as extremely lonely and isolating.

I’m no longer there. I now realize that my feelings of loneliness and isolation were a direct result of being disconnected from myself. What I want to share with you is the discovery that I have within me all the power necessary find my truth inside. To do that, I had to reconnect with me again, fall in love, and shower myself with compassion.

One of the magical shifts that happened inside my head, inside my thoughts was the moment I welcomed the idea of living in compassion. Compassion. I love the sound of the word when I speak it out loud. I even love the way the letters look together on paper. Come passion, come back to me. The passion for life. I invited it back. Damn, it feels good.

The truth is my circumstances remain the same. I still am a mother of a child with Autism. What has changed dramatically is the way I think of myself and from there everything radiates. Living life with compassion for myself and for everyone and everything; from that perspective, life looks pretty darn attractive.

Autism rate now 1 in 100, what this means to me

The increasing rate of Autism has proved to ignite controversy for years now. I certainly don't know the answers of why the rates are increasing and I don't get caught up in the debate of whether they truly are or aren't. I will reference the article from August 20th in the Huffington Post by David Kirby Huffington Post Article which in my opinion contains some interesting and compelling studies. I'm hoping the attention generated by the possibility of truth in the sited studies and statistics will motivate more scientists and funding institutions to focus research on why the numbers appear to be on the rise.

I'm a true believer that a combination of factors play into the manifestation of Autism including genetics and environmental factors. This is purely from an experiential standpoint as my son is now in his 8th year of life living with the diagnosis of Autism and I have been by his side almost every day observing, watching, noticing, and listening.

In addition to the science side of the coin, I also believe children with Autism are here to teach us very, very important lessons. I've become acutely aware of the many ways he communicates. Not with words because he's non-verbal but very clearly indeed. As a result, we are connecting on a level I didn't see before, a level of pure love, compassion and appreciation. All because I started to listen beyond words.

As more families and children are affected, I intend to provide a way to share with others what Ian has taught me because it has opened up an entirely new world full of joy and gratitude for all that he is. Where there once was despair and feelings of being trapped I now feel joy and freedom.

Swimming with Ian

Saturday was a magical day. We were invited to a friend's house for the afternoon and we thought it would be fun to take Ian swimming. He's been in pools a handful of times and loves it. Our gorgeous boy stayed in the pool over an hour. Hubby relieved me as I started getting cold but not before I had some precious moments helping Ian gain a sense of floating. When I recall the memory of that afternoon I get the feeling that starts inside my tummy then radiates out in all directions in my body. I call it my "radiating flower" sensation meaning pure joy!!

What is

I breathe. I lie here in bed after a brief night’s sleep. Am I rested? Apparently enough because I’m awake. What is my story today? It feels so simple and at the same time expanding at the speed of light. I’m aware of the silence, the beautiful quietness in my mind. I can feel the pulse in my ears, the support of the bed beneath my body, the weight of my fingers touching the keys and moving as I type the words that appear on this page.

I met some magical people yesterday. I connected with energy so gorgeous and pure and full of complete love. We are one. I breathe in gratitude for this experience. I’m in deep love.

I am.

Lane's lesson for the day

Lane just came downstairs for the morning and had something to tell me:

"Mom, you know how you turn a bad dream into a good dream? Stop thinking about the bad dream and turn it into a good dream."

So simple and so true. He's so brilliant!!

Clarity of Purpose

My son Ian has Autism. He’s also globally delayed, has a seizure disorder, food allergies and sensitivities, chemical sensitivities, and the list goes on. He also has beautiful green eyes that twinkle when he smiles, a little smirk that brightens my day, a level of patience that exceeds my capacity of understanding, the most amazing pure expression of love I’ve ever experienced, and he is my greatest teacher.

He’s my little Zen master and I his faithful student. Though at times in my journey I would say my faith waned but that did not deter him. He always remains true to his destiny and speaks the absolute truth. He cannot lie. You see he does not speak words from any verbal language. He actually makes very few sounds and the ones he does make are mostly vowel-based however he has taught me that words are so unnecessary to communicate. They actually get in the way of truth and clarity. His communication is clear, truthful, and transparent and once I finally started to learn how to hear him, my whole world shifted.

He has so much work to do, so many lessons to teach and I’m finally hearing him. He’s so relieved. I hear him say, “Ok Mom, you finally are getting it. You’re really hearing me and now let’s get to work. You need to use that language of yours to share my lessons with others.”

It is my belief that he and I have a contract, an agreement that we made. He’s been playing his role perfectly and I now am starting to understand that I’ve been playing my role exactly as I needed to in order to get to the point where I am today, at this very moment, typing these words on my computer. I’m compelled to share Ian’s lessons because it’s what I’m supposed to do.

My Country Mouse

My most memorable quote from the day: “Our son is a country mouse” by my husband, Lowell. He uttered it on the shuttle ride back to our hotel in Seattle, Washington after Lane clearly communicated he did not enjoy the sights, sounds, and smells of the city. “Mommy, it’s too loud,” he said. I was right there with him. You see we had just come off a four-day reunion with the Hunter/Krueger family. In the end 38 of us gathered together to connect through conversation, laughter, play, and eating fabulous food.

After waking this morning and saying goodbye to our loved ones we drove to Seattle to spend the final 24 hours exploring the city before returning home to Ian tomorrow. What I didn’t realize before reaching Seattle was how stark the contrast would be between the family experience in the quiet, natural settings and the in-your-face intensity of the city. Now, before I continue, I know there are many great qualities the city offers, I just did not see many of them on this day.

What I did see was disconnection and contrasts everywhere. I witnessed the evidence of poverty and the excess of materialism. The sensory overload of sounds and sites invited a headache and I felt my energy plummet. So, it came as absolutely no surprise when Lane behaved so differently in this environment versus the one surrounded by family and love. He appeared bewildered, confused, and scared. He constantly wanted to hold hands and be in between us. We provided a protective barrier to the energy coming at him. I won’t go into the detailed story about what transpired except to say we all felt the same thing; overwhelmed by the contrast. We promptly returned to the safe container of our hotel room.

Once back in the room, Lane immediately perked back up and started smiling again. We were back to just us and I felt a sense of relief and contentment. Lowell read a story to Lane, I bathed him and as I sit typing this Lane sleeps peacefully. We connected. I learned so much in that short 90 minute excursion. To nourish my soul, I need to live close to nature, move gently, and connect in love. My little country mouse helped me see this so clearly today. Thank you, sweet Lane for yet another powerful lesson.

How I arrived where I am today

Ian was born, February 2002. He has Autism. When I knew this to be true I felt like a fire had ripped through my garden and ravaged my soil. It was desolate.

In 2005, I read Martha Beck's book, "Expecting Adam." I felt a tug toward my destiny but the soil remained dry, undernourished and neglected.

By early 2008, the soil was ready for nutrients. I began listening to Wayne Dyer CDs on my iPod during my runs, more aptly named, my mental health breaks. The sun was peeking through.

Then next came the seeds! March 20th of this year I attended Martha Beck's one-day workshop in San Jose, CA. Half way through the day I experienced an overall body vibration, I was humming. At one point I saw a yellow hue around Martha. I thought I was hallucinating from lack of sleep or going temporarily insane. That didn't matter because the openness I felt was unmistakable. I had discovered my path, I knew this to be true. There is so much to learn! I felt the seeds burrowing themselves in the soil, desiring nutrients, water and sunlight. I promptly purchased "Steering by Starlight" and signed up for Martha's Life Coach Training class one week later.

The first weekend in April, I attended a three-day workshop with horses lead by Martha and Koelle Simpson. The weekend initiated the greatest transformational experience I’ve had so far on my journey with Ian. My garden is sprouting and taking in exactly what it needs to produce the most delicious, fulfilling harvest imaginable. I love my garden!

So, here I am, right where I'm supposed to be; taking it all in, open to the possibilities and trusting that I know exactly where to go when following my north star. It's out there waiting for me. I'm no longer stuck, my excitement is boundless. Now I get to learn everything I can about tending my garden and keeping it filled with abundance.

I’m profoundly grateful to my son, Ian for being my greatest teacher and for leading me to my destiny.

Fear

For me, fear is such an interesting emotion. When combined with a sinking feeling in my stomach I know whatever I'm fearing I need to turn the opposite direction and RUN! However, if the fear is accompanied with a feeling of openness, or another way to describe it, my lungs feel like they've been filled with rich oxygen, I'm intrigued. I've been feeling intrigued A LOT lately.

I used to think fear was to be feared itself but I'm now starting to realize fear can be a wonderful feeling (of course when paired with rich oxygen) because it provides an opportunity to shift my perspective. When I dig deeper and explore the thought around the fear I play with the idea of changing that thought so it won't feel so terrifying. When I free my thoughts from fear I find my thoughts travel to places with surprising possibilities. Knowing I have the power to change my thoughts is magnificent. Now I focus on practicing to the point where shifting away from fear becomes a natural function of daily existence, almost as natural as breathing rich, delicious oxygen. Aaahhhh...

How I got Hooked on Driving!

It was this time last year when my husband excitedly handed me my birthday card. As I read the card, I have to be completely honest and tell you that my first thought was, “Really? Who is this gift really for?” You see, for my birthday present my husband gave me a day on the track at Thunderhill. He could hardly contain his enthusiasm and my lack of enthusiasm took all the energy out of him. I could visibly see his disappointment that I didn’t share in his excitement for my, according to him, ridiculously fabulous gift!

So, after a couple of days of thinking this gift wasn’t exactly what I would have picked I decided to embrace the attitude that at least I could spend an entire day with my husband away from our two small children. As a Mom, that’s a birthday present I can appreciate!

Our day on the track fell right in middle of the intense heat wave we had in July of 2008 when temperatures reached 115 degrees. That wasn’t the worst part. It also was during that crazy time when half of California was burning up in wildfires. So, not only was the temperature 100+ by noon but I couldn’t see much through the haze of the smoke smothering the central valley. But I was determined to keep up my “good attitude” and not let my husband down.

I sat through the introductory instruction and I noticed there was a little stirring of excitement from deep within. But I wrote it off. Of course I was nervous. I would be driving my husband’s Lotus Elise around the track and up to that day I had driven it maybe four times in my entire life!

During my first session I went so slowly everyone passed me, probably twice but I lost count. I didn’t quite get it. But that was fine by me. I considered it a great success to make it through the twenty minute session without any damage to myself or the car. Then I went out for my next session. I had a coach the second time that really took the time to help me improve in baby steps. First he had me focus on driving smoothly around the track. Then he had me work on picking up the pace and improve my breaking, always focusing on the line and keeping it smooth. Hmmm, things were starting to click.

Then it came time for a ride in a coach’s car to demonstrate how it’s done. I tell you this set me straight. My life changed with that five minute demo ride. I transformed from a reluctant wife of a fanatic track husband, to a proud-to-be-just-as-fanatic track wife. I was hooked!

I continued to improve throughout the day and by my fifth session I even passed others on the track! If Hooked On Driving handed out awards at the end of the day I’d like to think I would have received “Most Improved.” And the rest, as they say, is history. I love the Hooked On Driving Team. By the end of every track day my cheeks hurt from smiling all day. For me nothing matches the thrill of moving around a track with grace and speed and sharing the experience with my husband makes it that much sweeter.

I want to encourage you to consider spending one day on the track with the Hooked on Driving team to see if the same will happen for you. You might even find yourself dreaming about driving the line. I know I do and oh am I sad when I wake up from that dream.

Diane Hunter or as my husband calls me, Trixie!

A night out in San Francisco for a great cause!

I absolutely love Dana Carvey. He makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. When I received an email earlier this week promoting a fund raising event for Autism that included Dana Carvey as the entertainment, holy moly, I jumped at the opportunity to attend.

I also did a little research on the two beneficiaries of the event. One is a private school for children with Autism and was founded by families in response to a lack of available alternatives to serving their children. The Oak Hill School. The other is a non-profit organization called the Ryder Foundation, started by two mothers, both having children with Autism. The mission of The Ryder Foundation is to provide support to organizations that research the environmental causes of autism and effectively treat afflicted children. Definitely an area of interest for me.

So, I went to the event with three goals. At some point during the evening I would:
1. Met Dana Carvey and get a photo with him
2. Meet the women from the Ryder Foundation
3. Meet the leaders from Oakhill School

Before entering the event I found the calm, peaceful, leading energy within me and let go of any fear or attachment to the outcome. I was going to enjoy the process and remain open to the possibilities. This is what unfolded.

While enjoying the art on display for the silent auction, Dana walked right past me. I definitely was star struck and it took me a few moments to recover from my social self's response of feeling self conscience. By the time I recovered he had moved on and disappeared. Hmmm, I wondered, had I lost the opportunity? I let it go and brought myself back to the present. About ten minutes later I was in line for the food, chatting with my friend when I saw Dana enter the room again. He was probably twenty feet away from me with lots of people in between. My first inclination was to leave the line and go toward him but then I remembered, no, I'm not going to try to control this. I'm just going to let it happen and stay calm. The room contained about 600 people so it was crowded. Within the next minute he turned and I tell you truthfully he walked straight towards me. He practically bumped into me. This time I stayed calm and asked if I could take a photo with him. Then we had a nice chat about why he was involved with the event. He was very present and it was a very cool moment for me.

Now, I had no idea what the women from the Ryder Foundation looked like so I felt a little like I was looking for a four leaf clover in a huge field of clover. But I trusted I would meet them. After the show, magically I introduced myself to a woman because I experienced a strong feeling, like a pull when our paths crossed and we made eye contact. I just blurted out an introduction of my name and asked if she happened to know any of the women from the Ryder Foundation. Why yes, she did! As a matter of a fact, she was very good friends with one of the mothers. From that one connection, I ended up meeting all four women, chatted and exchanged contact information. I will definitely be following up with them.

Lastly, I introduced myself to the Chairwoman from the school (I did recognize her from the presentation) and she invited me to come tour the school any time.

Two things really stood out for me regarding this experience. One was that I was able to let go of the fear of what anyone would think of me if I introduced myself to a complete stranger. The second was that by the end of the night I accomplished all three of my goals! I was so full of energy at the end of the night and my friend and I giggled all the way home. She's been witnessing my transformation up close and personal and it was so cool to have her there with me. If I had attended this event prior to the Horse Whisper Workshop with Martha Beck and Koelle I most likely would have stood on the side of the room watching people and been too afraid to approach anyone, let alone Dana!! My social self would have interfered too much. Plus, I suspect Dana wouldn't have walked anywhere near me either. :)

Just a quick update

Ian loves to dig in the dirt and pebbles. He loves to rub his hands across the surface and feel the texture. He's really in a very tactile stage. We took him to target a couple days ago to buy Lane a bike. He wanted to feel all the surfaces. Then yesterday, we took him to a big, grassy field so Lowell could fly his new remote control plane. (Quite an amusing experience to watch him try to control the plane!!) Ian LOVED the grass and the decomposed granite at the softball field. It's like he's doing "dirt" angels in the gravel. He spreads them around, back and forth. I'm not certain what he's getting from it. Mystery continues...

Tonight we celebrate the small things...

Tonight, we brought the boys upstairs to brush teeth and read stories, the normal bedtime routine. Usually, Ian will tolerate the brushing and stories then insist on going back downstairs. Tonight, however, he climbed on to his bed, laid down and gave me a sweet smile. I brushed his teeth and he stayed in bed and quietly, peacefully fell asleep! It was 7pm!! He was asleep even before the story and songs. So, Lowell and I now sit chatting about future plans while our two beautiful boys sleep soundly in their cozy beds. :)

Ian turned 7 on Feburary 1st!

On Feb 1st, Ian turned 7 years old. It was a beautiful, clear, warm day in California and we decided to take the boys to the beach in Santa Cruz. Click to view photos.

From the moment we got into the car to drive over the hill to Santa Cruz, Ian was calm and peaceful. When we arrived, he bounced out of the car and squealed with delight and just started running all over the grassy field. When we started down the stairs to the beach, he was immediately drawn to the sand on each step. It took about 15 minutes to descend the stairs because he had to feel the sand each step of the way. Once to the beach, he plopped down and started the process of stroking the sand back and forth and pouring it on his body. He loves the feel of the sand on this hands, feet, and body. He even had his head in the sand. If you look at the photos, you'll get what I mean.

Lowell led him to the water and it is about 60 degrees, quite a shock! He wasn't so sure about that but he loved feeling the difference between the wet, cold sand and the warm, dry sand. It was an afternoon of exploration and we all soaked up the experience with delight. It will be a memory for all of us to recall. It could not have been more perfect and we wanted to share it with everyone.

Weekly update Sunday Jan 25th

We added an additional medical practitioner to Ian's team. Yesterday, we took Ian to see a doctor that uses a method called NeuroModulation Technique (NMT). It is a form of energetic medicine. The woman that has been doing the energetic healing since early December with Ian suggested I consider NMT. She also suggested a particular practioner who turns out has an office less than an hour away!!

In school this week, we started a regular circle time in the morning with both Ian and Lane which Ian enjoys. He doesn't participate the way Lane does but he does stay with us in the living room and he participates in the capacity he can. He's observing and watching and getting comfortable with the process. We add movements to the songs and slowly we encourage and assist Ian through the movements to help him build his competence.

Ian also enjoyed several walks this past week on the local nature trails and also enjoyed playing in the mud when it rained. He does love being outside in the elements.

Ian continues to struggle with reflux and we continue to try to figure out ways to alleviate it. Medication hasn't helped and the reflux causes such discomfort and distraction making intake of information and social interaction challenging. It also makes peaceful sleep close to impossible. If he doesn't burp enough before falling asleep, he'll toss and turn all night and often wake crying in pain. I can spend up to an hour with him trying to help him burp to relieve the pressure by giving him aloe juice, sitting him upright, shifting him into different positions, and stroking his tummy. Once he burps he can return to sleep but then he wakes in the morning with reflux and so it goes throughout the day. We will find a solution! We just have to keep searching.

Great morning of School

Yesterday, we started a formal circle time with Ian and Lane. Both yesterday and today, Ian stayed with us the entire time! This morning, Arissa (Ian's teacher) started with some physical movement like bouncing on the couch and running back and forth to get his heart rate up. Then we moved into the songs with movements. We probably sang a total of 7 songs and he watched much of the time. At times he even sat in my lap and let me move his body through the movements. We're focusing on kinestheic learning. Lane LOVED the songs and movement and caught on very quickly.

Then I followed the songs with a focused activity by reading a story. Ian almost made it through the entire 15 minutes but then the hunger bug hit! Lane, again, enjoyed the story. I'm SO excited about the shape our mornings are taking. While waiting for Ian's food to cook, we worked on putting toys into buckets thus cleaning up the TV room before eating. Following Ian's meal he then requested to go outside and he is now jumping on the trampoline. Later we will take a nature walk on the creek trail. Yesterday, we walked for about 90 minutes!! Oh, the days are taking shape and he's HAPPY!!! Much better week, hooray!!

What is also cool about establishing this morning rhythm for our family is that when Lane goes to Kindergarten in August, we'll still have the mornings together because his elementary school has an option for a late start at 11:30.

Family walk on Sunday

It feels like Spring in California in the middle of January!! Lowell and I took the boys for a nature walk on the creek trail. Lowell has lived in Los Gatos since 1989 and he'd never walked on this portion of the trail! Ian LOVED it. He was running and squealing with delight. Watching the birds overhead and dropping to the ground to rub his hands across the gravel. It was a great sensory experience. Experiences like these keep us connected as a family and focused on the importance of enjoying the moment despite the many challenges.

Tough first week of school

Ian had a rough week. It didn't start badly but by Wednesday evening he started having seizures. This means school activity stops and we all focus on keeping him comfortable. From our daily journaling, there is a clear cycle. We usually see seizures about every 5 weeks and they come in clusters for usually 48 hours. This time they lasted 72 hours. He doesn't eat much as his tummy really seems upset and he's typically quite lethargic and often sleeps. However, this time, we took him to see his neurologist on Thursday and he had a seizure in the office. The doctor convinced us to try a drug called Clonopin to stop the seizure activity. The drug usually makes one more sedate which wouldn't matter since the seizures do that anyway. But the drug didn't sedate him but instead stimulated him. He only slept 5 hours on Thursday night! He couldn't stop moving. Yes, it stopped the seizures for about 8 hours but then I was afraid to give him another dose in the middle of the night for fear he would NEVER sleep. We did try a second time on Friday and again, the response was stimulation and stopped the seizures for about 8 hours. But then on Saturday after the medication was out of his system, he had a few more. They should have stopped by Saturday according to our documented history.

Here's my theory (as a mother that has watched Ian have these episodes for 6 years now.) Ian, for some reason, needs to clear out the extra energy that gathers in his body over a period. He needs to do a type of energetic clearing or cleansing and if the process is interrupted by a chemical to stop it, his body will just wait for the chemical to wear off and then proceed with the necessary clearing until the process is complete for that cycle. Then he goes along for another 5 weeks until the energy builds up again to the point where he needs to clear again. I know, very out there but it totally resonates and makes sense to me. After the seizure clusters, we have consistently observed that he's clearer, more cognitively aware and connected. We don't like the seizures and we definitely don't want him in any danger or have damage occur because of them. We do know that's he's an incredibly sensitive being and he doesn't handle chemicals the way they're intended. My goal is to figure out a way to reduce the amount of energy that he gathers. I'm working with the energy healer to solidify his energetic boundary to make him more resilient.

Genevieve has a theory that it has to do with an ingredient Aspartame which is in his allergy medication. We just started the medication in late Nov right before a flurry of seizure activity then started another right before this last flurry. Hmmm, interesting.

Deep breath, lots happening in our little boys body and so many opinions and suggestions come our way from intelligent, educated experts. At the end of the day, Lowell and I have to assimilate the information and make the best decision we can based on what we think is best for Ian. We have to continue to try and trust ourselves.

Today though, he's feeling better despite the continuing reflux!! This morning we had a very productive meeting with several members of Ian's team - the OT, our RDI consultant, and Ian's teacher. We're moving forward and continuing to search for the answers.

First day of school tomorrow

I'm very excited as I just received more detailed ENKI material for the home school program I've chosen for Ian (and Lane). Tomorrow will be the first day of school. It's really very simple for at this stage of development for both of them, it's really about maintaining a daily rhythm and providing opportunities for neurological growth through movement, primarily sensory integration. We will include creative play (inside and outside), exercise and sensory integration activities, and stories. RDI will fit beautifully into the daily rhythm and I think both boys will flourish. I have a great team ready to go, it's our "village" providing a rich, nourishing (my new favorite word) environment for our two beautiful boys. I know this blog is about Ian but Ian's family is such a big part of his life, I have to mention Lane too.

We have the team collaborating (teacher, OT, RDI consultant, care givers, and most importantly Mom and Dad), the tools to execute (RDI, ENKI, Masgutova Method) and great hope for the year ahead.

Ian's reflux continues

The whole house clean hasn't fixed the problem this time, at least not yet. I spoke with the allergist this evening and he suggested we try a 24-hour anti-histamine. So, we're going to give that a try. Used Benedryl again this evening but he's still awake and refluxing. Hmmmm, this is really a mystery that needs solving!